Tories facing bigger problem than votes

  • Post last modified:May 26, 2024
  • Reading time:7 mins read

The Tories have a huge problem in this general election – namely that people don’t want to vote for them. Could they have an even bigger problem than that, though?

Oh dear.

It looks like even when people do want to vote Tory they might not have a Tory to vote for.

Titanic success in the general election

Former PM Boris Johnson famously coined the term ‘Titanic success’:

We all suspected Rishi Sunak would make a Titanic success of this election, but so far it’s looking worse than that. To expand on the analogy, the Titanic is setting sail despite missing nearly 200 crew people.

This slow-motion shipwreck is a situation Sunak brought upon himself by knee-jerk calling an election without warning MPs:

As a result of the unexpectedness, they haven’t had time to line up replacements for all the Tories we knew were stepping down – nor to stand in seats which are currently held by rival parties. As reported by the Independent:

Party chiefs are desperately appealing to prospective candidates to put themselves forward for seats – many of which they are projected to lose heavily – with the Conservatives expected to still be putting up batches of adverts for constituencies into the weekend.

The same general election article reported a funny quote from “political commentator Sir Anthony Seldon, a biographer of six prime ministers”:

Surprise is always a smart tactic for a general, but it’s the enemy who should be surprised, not your own side. The Conservatives are going to have to move PDQ to fill their remaining empty seats to show that they are truly a national party.

Hilariously, this is one of the last things Seldon tweeted:

As Seldon is a historian, he’s no doubt familiar with the phrase ‘time makes fools of us all‘. An equally true (if less pithy) saying is ‘you’re gonna look like a fucking goon in six months if you say something supportive about the current Tory prime minister‘.

Back to Sunak’s general election candidate crisis, the problem may actually get worse, because Tory MPs are still standing down:

Strange that these Tories are afraid of failing in this election. After all, they’ve spent the past decade and a half failing the country!

Send in the clowns

Finding a good candidate is hard work, but the Tories are going to struggle to find any candidate given the impossibly short timeframe. This means candidates won’t be vetted properly, and that means we’re going to get one or two absolute weirdoes slipping into parliament – the sort of weirdoes with more skeletons in their closet than the Natural History Museum.

Now, some of you might be thinking: ‘can these freaks be any weirder than the Tories we’ve had over the past 14 years?

To that we’d say that if this period has taught us anything, it’s things can always get weirder.

If Sunak continues struggling, maybe he could declare National Service for all 55-year-olds to stand as a Tory MP? After all, that can’t be any worse an idea than this:

Featured image via Number 10

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