General election threatens to ruin all our summers

  • Post last modified:May 23, 2024
  • Reading time:8 mins read

Human impersonator – er – UK prime minister – Rishi Sunak has called a general election for 4 July. That means UK political leaders are scrambling to get their campaigns for the next six weeks into gear. What’s the Canary’s position? Well:

What a fucking time to be alive.

As we said, you don’t need us to list all the ills of the main political parties – but we have a choice on 4 July between:

  • Literal neo-fascists.
  • Far-right Tories.
  • Right-wing Tories with red rosettes.
  • Centre-right Tories with orange ties.
  • Sometimes Tories with some other decent people but all of them wearing green cardigans.

The Canary’s advice to you is don’t vote for any of the first three on that list at the general election.

If you really must vote for the orange ones – then only do so if it means the far-right or red-rosetted Tories might lose.

Cue a word from this legend:

You’ll remember that Sunak replaced Truss after just 49 days. Truss, of course, oversaw the shortest reign in British history, the death of the Queen, sunk the financial markets, and failed to outlast a bit of lettuce.

If we must

If you’re one of our regular readers you’ll know that the Tories are a shower of useless power-hungry fuckwits, and Labour are… a shower of useless power-hungry fuckwits. There is no real choice between the two. As usual, it’s the poorest in society that get shafted by career politicians who wouldn’t know moral responsibility if it slapped them in the face.

Folks on X were busy getting their jokes off because if they didn’t they’d probably cry. One person played the imperial march as journalists reported on the general election:

That wasn’t the only song making the rounds:

A Larry the cat parody account piped up:

Larry the cat is the most stable political figure we’ve known in the last few years, always good to hear from him.

Rishi’s soaking didn’t go unnoticed:

Another astute political commentator summed up the mood:

Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place:

Choice between wet lettuce and wet wipe

This will be the first time Sunak has an electoral test – clearly, the sign of a functioning democracy. The wet lettuce told the BBC:

I’m the one that’s prepared to take bold action. I’ve got a clear plan, and that’s how I’ll deliver security for you and your family.

This from the mind that came up with the disaster that was Eat Out to Help Out – you can keep that type of security, sunshine. Remember what a leading scientist thought about that harebrained scheme? We do! Professor John Edmunds of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine said:

If we had [been consulted], I would have been clear what I thought about it. As far as I am concerned, it was a spectacularly stupid idea and an obscene way to spend public money.

We don’t know about you, but we feel much more secure already.

And now, Starmer. Sigh. The wet wipe himself said he would “stop the chaos” of Conservative rule and “rebuild Britain”. He continued:

If they get another five years they will feel entitled to carry on exactly as they are. Nothing will change.

If you get five years in the hot seat after this general election, things will carry on as they are and nothing will change. What a time to be alive!

Blue Tories or red Tories

Starmer has promised border security efforts to tackle record levels of irregular immigration. Sunak wants to push on with his pledge to “stop the boats” crossing the Channel, even as his controversial plan to deport failed asylum seekers to Rwanda remains mired in legal challenges.

Starmer thinks Israel has a right to defend itself, and even to withhold power and water from Gaza. Sunak thinks Israel has a right to defend itself in spite of over 30,000 dead and a dire humanitarian crisis.

Starmer is willing to engage in thinly veiled transphobia for electoral profit. Sunak is willing to engage in transphobia for electoral profit.

Starmer wants to get more police on streets, in spite of systemic problems of anti-Blackness, sexism, and racism more broadly. Sunak wants to get more police on streets in spite of… well, you get the idea.

Sunak’s politics are typical of a right-wing morally bankrupt government. Clearly, Starmer has cottoned on that turning Labour into red Tories is a path into power, and fuck anything else.

Additional reporting by Agence France-Presse

Featured image via YouTube screenshot/Channel 4 News

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