Prime minister Keir Starmer has not yet reached one hundred days, and in that time we have seen the staggering hypocrisy of the freebies scandal, the intolerable Labour MP for Narcissism West Rosie Duffield quitting the party in disgust, a pre-Christmas death sentence for at least 4,000 pensioners — going by the governments own figures — a briefing war between Sue Gray’s allies and senior Downing Street figures, solidarity sent to the pariah state of Israel while the jets were bombing and killing orphans in an orphanage, the DWP preparing to snoop through your bank accounts, and enough sausage-related memes to sink an already-sinking Labour Party ship.
Aaaand breathe…
Where is the official opposition? Oh – gouging each other’s eyes out.
Sure, the dulcet freeloader Starmer would probably still beat the Tories in an election if it were to be held tomorrow.
But is that something to boast about? Did you watch any of the Conservative Party annual wake, this past week? I’d put a fiver on the ‘Harold Shipman was innocent party’ beating the Tories in an election if we were trudging to the polling stations tomorrow.
An opposition with just the slightest hint of a spine would and should have Keir Starmer down on his knees right now. But they’re far too busy knocking ten barrels of shit out of each other, and wearing “Hamas are terrorists” hoodies to even begin to consider their first job is to hold the government of the day accountable for their actions.
I think the Tory hopefuls that repeatedly summon the spirit of Margaret ‘still dead’ Thatcher in the hope of getting a few more votes from their ever-dwindling membership will be hugely disappointed when they realise the votes they desperately seek are now proud card-carrying members of Keir Starmer’s neo-Thatcherite Labour Party.
While it’s Starmer that is known for his love of gifts, it is Starmer himself that is gifting the Tories with stick after stick to beat him with. The Tories picked up the sticks, and couldn’t poke their leadership rivals in the eye any quicker if they tried.
The biggest threat the Tories could possibly pose to Starmer would come in the shape of a Tory-Reform pact.
Hate mates, if you like.
It wasn’t about Starmer’s charisma
Admittedly, nobody voted for Keir Starmer based on his charismatic personality. Starmer’s essential bedtime reading for insomniacs could shift enough copies to keep Mrs Starmer in the luxury she has become accustomed to for many years to come. You could even tolerate the dullness of Keir Starmer if he was any good at being dull. After all, we don’t elect politicians to entertain us, do we?
So what happens when you are mired in scandal and corruption, your policies are as popular as a night on the tiles with Diddy, and your own personal approval ratings are lower than the much-disliked temporary leader of the opposition, Rishi someone-or-another?
You need charisma, and you need to be believable. Starmer has the charisma of an unemptied food waste recycling bin and he isn’t far off challenging for the title of ‘GLOAT’ from Boris Johnson. That stands for “greatest liar of all time”.
Labour find themselves in an incredibly difficult position. The initial delight that came with the eventual removal of the Tories is dissipating without being replaced by any enthusiasm for what Labour is putting forward to the country. The new government didn’t expect to be evicted from the honeymoon suite with such brutal rapidity.
But evicted they were, and rightly so, because they have betrayed the voters that still believed, somewhat naively, that any Labour government was going to be better than a Tory government.
Labour messed it up five years ago
It’s a real shame the Labour Party itself didn’t believe a Labour government led by Jeremy Corbyn would have been an immeasurably better option than Theresa May or Boris Johnson.
250,000+ Covid dead? Probably not. Partygate? What, at the allotment? A kamikaze economy policy outlasted by a fucking iceberg lettuce? No chance. More than a hundred grands worth of freebies? That’s a lot of custard creams at Jeremy’s local community centre. Freeze-a-nan for Christmas? This is Jeremy Corbyn I’m talking about, not that compromised, bought-and-paid-for lobbyist’s wet dream, Starmer.
The electorate won’t have the opportunity to truly pass judgment on Labour until 2029, and there’s every chance that the freebie scandal will be a long forgotten nightmare for Starmer in five years time.
But how will winter fuel payment cuts be received across the Labour heartlands that have only just returned Labour to power on a ticket of “change”?
The ‘red wall’ heartlands that handed Keir Starmer the keys to Number 10 Downing Street have now been left out in the cold. Quite literally.
Call me cynical if you must, but Starmer and Reeves are fully aware a majority of older people vote for the Tories, so why not kill off a few more before they get a chance to vote again in the local elections to be held next year?
Starmer’s partridge in a pear tree
We were supposed to put this state of government permacrisis to bed with the Tories, but we find ourselves no further on than we have been during the past fourteen years. Watching the British attempt to govern is as infuriating as it is embarrassing.
Britain is rife with poverty and homelessness and disabled people are being singled out for being disabled.
Doesn’t this all sound alarmingly familiar to you? Or do you still hold on to the impossible dream of Starmer standing up to his paymasters and delivering on just one of the ten pledges, five missions, four commitments, three cast iron guarantees, two “governments of service”, and a “no thanks” to Lord Alli?
I wouldn’t hold your breath.
Featured image via Rachael Swindon
